How to Handle Conflict
Pastor Dave Monreal, Lead Pastor
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-17 ESV)
No one in his right mind enjoys conflict. But it is a reality of life. It is unavoidable. How do we handle it? This passage begins by giving the answer to the question, what do you do if your brother sins, some manuscripts make it more specific and ask, what do you do if he sins against you personally? I think the principles apply to either of these possible translations.
Of course, we all sin every day and for minor offenses or insensitivities we are to overlook the sin. (cf. Proverbs 19:11) We shouldn’t try to address every minor sin in another’s life. Jesus is speaking here of those sins that are highly destructive to an individual or others and cannot be overlooked for the sake of the person who is sinning as well as the relationship as a whole.
“…go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” Jesus says, when you find out your brother has sinned you have a responsibility to lovingly confront him on his sin. The goal of peacemaking is repentance, reconciliation, and restoration. You are not there to be God’s personal avenging angel. Notice Jesus doesn’t say, “Go to your five closest friends and tell them what you found out so they can be kept informed.” We are to keep knowledge of the offense as private as we can. If you need advice that is a different situation. But if you are just sharing because it is interesting or juicy gossip, don’t. At this point, you are to go to the person directly and privately. The goal is to win your brother back to Christ.
“But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you…” Jesus next instructs you to take one or two other people with you. This is not to gang up on the person who has sinned or sinned against you. It really needs to be one or two others who are not biased and are willing to listen to both sides objectively. They need to be objective people who can listen to both side, because it very well may be that you are the one in the wrong or have not understood the situation correctly. They also need to be objective so that the sinning brother will be opening to listening to them if he is not opened to listening to you. The witnesses also can confirm what the situation is having heard it firsthand from both sides.
“If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.” This is not a matter of church gossip or besmirching someone’s character. It is done out of love and a desire to see the sinning person repent. Remember, the goal is always restoration and never punishment. You tell it to the church so they can fast and pray for the person to be convicted of his sin and have a repentant heart. It is also to let the church know that it is not business as usual with this sinning fellow. Something is grievously wrong, and it cannot be overlooked.
“And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” Before you misunderstand what Jesus is saying here, ask yourself, how are we to treat unbelievers? We are not to be mean, shunning, or disrespectful to unbelievers. We are to show them grace and love, but we also know that they do not have a relationship with Christ and need to genuinely put their faith in the gospel. If a person is recalcitrant and unrepentant, at some point you need to ask if he is really a believer in the first place. His serious sin, lack of conviction, and unwillingness to repent may reveal that he was never truly regenerate and needs to hear the gospel. You should have no confidence that he is a believer unless he repents and until then you need to go on the assumption that he is not a believer and needs to truly come to Christ.
We will cover these principles and more in a sermon series in March and again in a half-day continuing education class later in the spring or early summer on Peacemaking. Learning biblical conflict resolution principles is something that we all need to be reminded of again and again. There have been numerous times I have been challenged on my sinful attitudes or behavior. We all need each other to speak into our lives and to help us live a life pleasing to the Lord. Being a pastor does not give me a pass to a sin-free life, so I need others to show me my blind spots just like everyone else. You need others to show you your blind spots.
