Further Thoughts on Friendship

Pastor Dave Monreal, Lead Pastor

“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

Proverbs 18:24

C.S. Lewis, in his book The Four Loves, makes this observation: “To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it. We admit of course that besides a wife and family a man needs a few “friends”. But the very tone of the admission, and the sort of acquaintanceships which those who make it would describe as ‘friendships’, show clearly that what they are talking about has very little to do with that Philia (Greek – friendship love) which Aristotle classified among the virtues or that Amicitia (Latin – friendship) on which Cicero wrote a book. It is something quite marginal; not a main course in life’s banquet; a diversion; something that fills up the chinks of one’s time. How has this come about? The first and most obvious answer is that few value it because few experience it.” (Lewis, Four Loves, 52 iBooks)

I preached on the topic of friendship from Proverbs on July 31. I’d encourage you to listen to it if you were not able to listen to it live. I will not repeat everything I said there, but I do want to expand on one idea. We may value friendship and understand that it is important to the Christian life and central to life both now and eternity. But how do we go about making and keeping deep friendships? Let me share a few practical observations. 

1. It takes time – Friendship is developed over months and years. Whether we move to a new town or God calls us to go to attend a new church, it takes time to build friendships. I remember reading a book by Em Griffin on making and keeping friends and he described it as two turtles in their shells meeting each other for the first time. They slowly will stick their head out a little bit in hopes the other turtle will also begin to stick his head out. If one of them stops being vulnerable it is likely the other one will stop too and that is where the relationship will stop growing. But if both continue to be vulnerable over time they will risk more and more until they are both fully exposed and vulnerable. It isn’t something that can be rushed. Most of us have experienced a situation where someone shared way too much way too quickly. It is a TMI (too much information) moment because the relationship did not grow naturally over time. 
2. It takes effort – Not only does it take time but it takes hard work. Close friendships will not happen by osmosis. And it won’t happen if only one person is putting in all the effort. People who have become close friends have done so by pursuing each other and intentionally making time for the other person in his life.  This means intentionally reaching out and inviting the person out or over to your house. It means giving of your time and getting to know the other person and letting him get to know you. There is a curiosity and an interest that is clearly felt by the other person. 
3. It takes breadth and depth – Close friends are not one dimensional. Maybe you have had a buddy in school or at work. You talk about that one class or maybe you talk about the intricacies of your mutual jobs but that is all you really know of each other. You don’t know the person’s interests or his family. You have not asked about his hobbies or delved into his hopes and dreams. In order to be close, intimate friends you need to share your lives and express your ideas on a wide range of topics and go deep in various areas of life. This doesn’t mean you need to agree with each other on every topic but you strive to listen and understand as well as express your ideas. 
4. It takes trust and being trusted – In order to become close friends there must be a mutual love and a mutual trust of one another. This means that you do not betray confidences or say negative things about the other person to others. Trust is gained over time as you prove yourself trustworthy and the other person comes to know he can rely on you to say and do what is right and for his good. If someone opens up to you about a hurt, fear, or struggle he is letting you into the deepest recesses of his heart and he is trusting that you will not speak about it to others. 

One of my professors observed that all relationships have three nonnegotiable essential aspects whether we are talking about our relationship with God, with a spouse or dating relationship, or friendships. Those three things are communication, time, and trust. We need to speak and listen to others in order to build a deep relationship. We must be willing to invest the time it takes to get to know another individual well. And we must prove ourselves trustworthy in everything that is shared with us. If you pursue these three aspects of relationship you will never be without close friends.